To truly understand the Andy Stitzer Effect™ (for those that don't know, he's the dude in 40yr old Virgin), one has to understand how people normally get laid. By doing this combined with some simple adjustments to the critical steps in the Lay Guide (the holy text of the player), the result will be the sexless life you've always dreamed of. I won't lie to you; it will be a difficult and painful journey for most of you. No one can acquire the skills described below overnight. It will take dedication and belief in one's self. Sometimes it would seem like you are making no progress at all but I assure you that, in time, you too will be great.
Let me describe to you how normal people get laid. It usually involves these 7 steps.
- The Approach: when normal guys see girls they would like to kpansh/knack/have babies with/do a gynecological exam for/give oral hygiene products/wound/disrespect/play “put something interesting in your puissance” with etc., they usually try to talk to them first (they’ll wonder why those girls like to talk later…kmft). Pros usually try to get her to talk to them first if they can but it’s all still considered approaching.
- Building Equity: amateurs usually skip this step. A pro usually tries to show the girl why he’s such a great catch and why she should try to kpansh him. Usually involves showing her the attractive traits he possesses like money, humour, a large shoe size etc. He is essentially increasing his value i.e. building equity. It ends when she declares interest.
- Declaration of Interest: This is where you show/tell the girl that you might want to kpansh/knack/have babies with/do a gynecological exam for/give oral hygiene products/wound/disrespect/play “put something interesting in your puissance” with etc. her (a football manager joke would have been appropriate here but I couldn't think of one)
- Trust Building: this usually involves all that talking crap, mostly about nothing, and finding out more about each other. The point of this step is to reassure her that you are not a serial killer or all round lame dude. Finding common interests could be helpful but not necessary. Players tend to spend the shortest time here while other dudes seem to linger in it like it was purgatory.
- Relativistic Time Manipulation: This usually happens during trust building. The aim is to make it seem like you two have known each other for a long while when you actually just met, à la Einstein. Movement to the Location of “The Deed” usually occurs during or after this.
- Negotiation: This is where the girl states her conditions for The Deed. Sometimes degenerates into an aba market session with haggling and whatnot. Pros usually try to skip this step.
- The Deed: this is when you kpansh/knack/have babies with/do a gynecological exam for/give oral hygiene products/wound/play “put something interesting in your puissance” with/disrespect etc. the girl in question.
This is just a generalization. There are obviously situations that this will not apply directly e.g. a fool’s mate (when she want to get laid as well and doesn’t care who it’s with) or a situation where you already know the girl. Modification is necessary. When you know the girl, Relativistic Time Manipulation and The Approach are unnecessary; sometimes even Trust Building can be shortened. A fool’s mate would only require a Declaration of Interest before The Deed. You sha get the idea…
From what you can see we have seven places where the aspiring Andy Stitzer can sabotage his own efforts at getting laid. I will now proceed to describe the important techniques that can be used.
- The Approach: First off, if you’re ugly, you have a huge advantage. It’s like being born with superpowers; you can repel women on sight. Handsome guys shouldn't feel too bad about their handicap, after all, I did say that anyone can do it; it just takes more effort and practice. Women rate dressing higher anyway, so you can dress like shit to compensate. Bad grooming also goes a long way too. Try to use cheesy pickup lines as well (I’ll post great lines for that) and don’t sound smart in any way.
- Building Equity: Skip this step. Better yet, do the opposite. Show her that you are so lame. Lie about a history of your inability to get girls or get your friends to do that for you. Do general lame stuff…get creative.
- Declaration of Interest: Do this as early as possible. Attempt to do The Mosby™ (tell her you love her) as soon as you can. Back that up with unsolicited compliments and gifts. Stalk her if necessary. Treat her like the best thing since sliced bread and act like her shit doesn't stink…better yet, like she doesn't shit at all.
- Trust Building: Reveal the most embarrassing details about yourself. If they’re not enough, make up some more. It usually doesn't take much to get stuck at this stage. Just do what every nice guy has been doing for decades…become her emotional tampon. Let her tell you all that emotional bullshit that she’s going through. Make her think you are like her brother or, better still, her gay best friend. If that’s done, it will no longer be purgatory but eternal damnation in the friend zone.
- Relativistic Time Manipulation: Skip this shit
- Negotiation: If all of the above fail simply tell her you’ll tell all her friends that she’s a slut and you’ll open a twitter account that tweets how slutty she is (professionally known as The Somti Gambit™). Never fails…
- The Deed: If The Somti Gambit™ fails, which is impossible; proceed to release your seed into your trousers before shit can happen. It takes decades to master a skill like this, so don’t depend on it.
All the techniques here can be used alone or in concurrence with each other. Each one is effective in its own right but a true master has to learn all of them and be proficient at them all. Ultimately, the greatest masters can simply say no…for normal guys/mere mortals, it is almost impossible for us to say no to knacks, hence the guide.
So now your paynus can return to something that you just use to empty your bladder and your balls can just be something little kids play with. You're welcome…
